You need a new movie like Freedom Burger needs a new jingle
by MATTHEW GAULT
Love movies but hate yourself? Want to watch Hollywood destroy the legacy of a good film with a pointless and insulting sequel? Want to see how Benghazi would play out if a whole bunch of incompetent U.S. Marines had been there, fucking around?
You need Jarhead 3: The Siege!
Yes, Jarhead 3: The Siege — a sequel to the 2005 film about a Marine struggling with boredom and identity during 1991's Desert Storm — tells the story of Marines beset by terrorists in an unnamed Middle East country. It’s got thrills, chills, bad acting, a nonsensical plot and more American power fantasies than a Toby Keith album.
It’s 13 Hours with less class and more Marines. War Is Boring has seen it — and now you can, too! For months, garbage-fire-turned-film Jarhead 3: The Siege was only available overseas, but not anymore! Jarhead 3: The Siege is out on Blu-ray today and, thanks to Universal, War Is Boring has five copies to give away to our most creative readers.
Just watch this trailer. You know you want it.
So how do you, gentle reader, release War Is Boring’s death grip on this cinematic clusterfuck? Easy, write us a jingle and make us laugh.
The climax of Jarhead 3: The Siege goes down in a grotesque, fictional fast-food restaurant called Freedom Burger. It’s a depressing and horrible place.
We wondered, how would a joint called Freedom Burger, located in an occupied Middle East country, advertise its grub?
We want you, dear reader, to tell us how Freedom Burger brings business to its fatty troughs. So here’s the deal. To win one of the Blu-rays, you just have to write a jingle for Freedom Burger and post it as a response to this story.
There’s a word balloon in a bar at the bottom of this story. Compose your best Freedom Burger jingle, then click that word balloon to leave your advertising masterpiece for the world to see. We’ve included our own rendition as, um, inspiration.
Readers without Medium accounts will need to create one, but registering takes just seconds with a Twitter or Facebook account. We’ll pick the winners, publish the best jingles in a follow-up post and send out the Blu-rays for your viewing displeasure.
When your stomach growls
in the desert sand
and you need some food on your plate.
Grab your gun
and take a stand
for the grub that sets you free.
It’s democracy on a plate of beef.
Makes men wolves among the sheep.
Choose Freedom Burger today and break the chains of boring meals!